 The Austere Academy by Lemony Snicket
A Series Of Unfortunate Events : Book the Fifth
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are at first optimistic when sent to Prufrock Prep. Hope dissipates quickly, however, when they meet Vice Principal Nero, a self-professed genius violinist who sneeringly imitates their every word. More dreadful still, he houses them in the tin Orphans Shack, crawling with toe-biting crabs and dripping with a mysterious tan fungus. A beam of light shines through the despair when the Baudelaires meet the Quagmires, two of three orphaned triplets who are no strangers to disaster and sympathize with their predicament. When Count Olaf appears on the scene disguised as Coach Genghis (covering his single brow with a turban and his ankle tattoo with expensive running shoes), the Quagmires resolve to come to the aid of their new friends. Sadly, this proves to be a hideous mistake. Read more @ amazon.co.uk | amazon.com
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Count Olaf Responds :
And so I came to be employed as the gym master of Prufrock Preparatory School. I found it a charming establishment run by a true musical genius who -- it seemed to me -- sacrificed his own potential as a classical violinist to offer his great wisdom to the next generation.
Never one to miss an opportunity to flex my acting muscles and as a man who has always been fascinated by cultural diversity, I decided to take on the persona of Coach Genghis. I did this not to disguise my true self but to develop it.
Yet again, my committment to the children of this world was called in to question by those ugly, smallminded Baudelaire idiots. Honestly! With the scientifically tested and approved S.O.R.E. technique, I could have raised those awful orphans to a new level of fitness and self-esteem.
But it was not to be! Faced, as I was, with not only the Baudelaires but also the equally flea-ridden Quagmire Triplets -- both of them -- I was unable to bring these poor, deranged children the joy that I feel sure was within their grasp. Instead, I was forced to leave Prufrock Prep.
As I looked up for the last time at that imposing archway bearing the school's uplifting motto, I was forced to concede that teaching might not be the career path for me. Happily, I had the company of the Quagmire's to cheer up the long journey to come.
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